When I was in want...
I NEEDED TO RECIEVE...
I've lived in the position of giving most of my life. How did I become a giver, I don't know, maybe I was molded or forced into being a giver by fear and threat from some other person. Maybe some situation forced me into giving and that was where I stayed.
This giving, this place that I lived, was it of God, was it godly giving? You see, godly giving is rooted in love, my giving was rooted in fear.
I wasn't always giving though, my giving started out by someone pulling, forcing, taking from me because I had a want, I wanted someone to love me. That pulling brought me into fear which propelled me into self-preservation.
Logic told me, that if I took control of the pulling, and start to give before they took, then I would not suffer the pain of the pulling anymore, and so, I gave, with an unwilling willingness.
I gave of myself and my possessions, but my giving was not of God. This giving kept me bound, in fear and obedience to my pullers, whoever it might have been at the time.
This giving made me sad, mad, angry all the time and consistently striving to protect and preserve myself and others from the pull.
So, I gave with an unwilling willingness because I had a want. I gave of myself because I wanted love. What did this giving do for me, what did it do to the spirit of God that abided in me? It quenched the Holy Spirit. This ungodly giving quench the spirit of God in me.
How can my giving quench the spirit, you may say, because as long as I was a giver, I could not be a receiver. If I am not receiving, then I had only one flowing conduit to my soul, and it was always pouring out all that was within me.
I gave of myself completely to the world and those I encountered. I gave my soul in my unwilling willingness, I sold my soul, many times over to the pullers that came and went like the wind. My giving stifled my tears so that I would cry no more when they would walk away with a piece of my heart, leaving behind a wound on my soul. A wound that no man could heal, a wound that refused to be comforted, a wound that would stand as a barrier between my heart and God's love for me.
The spirit of the Lord that would abide in me was not allowed to flow like a river, it was quenched it was stifled because I couldn't receive the love of God that had been poured out toward me. In my giving I wanted nothing from anyone, I trusted none, expected nothing, I took from no one. Why didn't I take, because taking would mean receiving and receiving meant opening and opening myself, meant taking a risk of being hurt, let down, taken advantage of, pushed, driven away, abused again, and that, my soul could not take. So, I gave, in my unwilling willingness, I became a giver.
Why did I give? I gave because I was in want.
What did I want? I wanted love, acceptance, attention, appreciation. Whose love? The love of my mother, father, brother, sister, I wanted their love more than anything in the world.
I wanted them to love me and treat me with love, so in pursuit of that love I became a giver when I was in want of love.
When I was in want, there was no one to tell me that the most important love was the love of my ABBA Father. Yes, Jesus loves me, and I sang it in Sunday school but only the Bible told me so. There was no at home conversation about the Love of Jesus for me, and no one told me that the Bible was the most important source of my information on love.
Mommy didn’t tell me, my sisters and brothers didn't tell me, neither did the Mercy Nun that was my teacher. No one told me that the love of Jesus, the love of my heavenly Father was the greatest love of all.
In my ignorance I set out in pursuit of love.
One day, I was a giver no more. I had given all I had to give. Suddenly I was in a strange place, a place of need, it is different from want. This place terrified me, it made me angry, and it made me fear. I feared that if I needed, I had dropped to a new low, lower than that place of want, and as bad as want was, needing was far worse. I feared that if I was ever to want again, or much worse, be in need, the puller would come.
My wanting meant letting in, trusting, maybe asking, risking rejection, and rejection meant pain and pain meant no love. Yet I was in want, I was in need, I was in a place I had fought all my life not to be. Here came my need like a ton of bricks on my back. It came slowly at first, with little things, then suddenly, swiftly, like rolling down a hill, my need came, and I could not protect myself from it.
One day I stopped. I paused to examine my want to look at my need and as I looked, and thought, and slowly opened my eyes, my heart saw my love. I heard his voice. I felt his presence, and I received his love, slowly at first, a little at a time, because I did not believe that this love was free, for me. I was so used to having to pay, to give, always having things pulled from me. Now I was in want, in need, and someone gave to me.
He gave me love. Yes, Jesus did, and I wanted to pay him, but it was not to be. His love I could not afford, his love I could not control, he just loved me for free.
There I was, standing in want, in need amid his love. It was there, right where I was, all that I have ever wanted, and now I froze.
I fought against the want that had become my need because I was afraid to trust. So, I fought to give again, but those fights I lost. I had to be the receiver, this was a must, a receiver of his love, it was going to be tough.
When I was in want, receiving his love was difficult. I had to let go of things spiritual and physical. I had to lose some things and allow someone to give to me. I had to have a need and pray for someone to fill. I had to let go control, trying to fix everything. I had to become a dependent and allow Jesus to help me.
My want became my need. I needed HIS love to live. When I was in want, I realized that HE was always there to fill me with all I would ever need, I just had to be able receive HIS love for me. Lord Jesus, I receive. Thank you for loving me, when I was in want.